On the Leprosy of the Epic Film

Before you join the herd and file towards your local cinema for the latest Ridley Scott 'epic' - 'Kingdom of Heaven' - , permit me to launch into one of my patented (t)issues - luxurious and expensive, but also handy and re-useable. While the first phase of the epic film in the 1950s and 60s were lavishly reactionary and disgustingly religious, they did manage to keep Charlton Heston busy. Yet the new phase, begun in Synge Street C.B.S in 1997 when a 'Braveheart'/'Michael Collins' double-bill was shown during religion class, have no merits beyond mesmerising potentially violent scobie's for an hour and half. Yes, the ingredients of this epic genre were plain to see; swelling music, opening (minor) battle, major-battle interspersed with (romantic) events elsewhere, rousing nationalism/humanism, and appalling historical inaccuracies. Yet Ridley Scott, with his wank-fest 'Gladiator' introduced new 'epic' signatures such as the stroking of the wheat-field, the caressing of muck/sand, and the presence of black characters who spoke English to Russell Farell. His forthcoming devilry 'Kingdom of Heaven' is of grave concern to the anti-epic contingent here in Ireland. The lover's of the epic (Lepers) will wet themselves to see epic veterans Liam Glesson and Brendan Nesson both starring alongside Jeremy 'Irish tax-exile cos of that Lolita incident' Irons reprising his role as a cleric from 'The Mission'. With Mel Gibson as Jesus fighting the English in revolutionary America, Gandalf the White treating Brad Pitt's acne on the beaches of Troy, and Mick Lally showing Val Kilmer his favourite leprachaun suit, the history courses in UCD should be packed for generations to come. With at least two versions of 'Beowulf' on the way the leper-achauns will be haunting the cinema ailses for some time to come.