Sanctus Damienus

Ahh those journo hacks always with the zitgist, or else they've been listening to me in UCD restaurant - cos, yes, there was a cool little article in the Evenin Herllllld t'other day. Goes something like this:

'After 13 years of being ignored, Dublin band the Frames are set to crack the UK. According to the London 'Independent', one of the music industry's most influential voices has said they are the next Radiohead.
So who are The Frames? Led by Glen Hansard, they are the embodiment of Dublin's 'matey' music scene revolving around Whelan's of Wexford Street. They are capable, reasonably popular...and unfortunately teeth-gridingly earnest.
But who was the voice likening them to the painfullt earnest Radiohead? None other than fellow earnest Whelan's graduate, the dreadfully earnest Damien Rice.
If we keep exporting our earnest young singers at this rate soon there will be nobody to whinhe down the mic in Whelan's'.

So there ya have it in print lads, a corroboration of my conversely earnest views upon the Damien Handsandwhich, Paddy 'I was a scumbag boxer' O'Rourke, and 'when, oh when will i be frameous...oh me', genre of songs from the other room - to be ranked alongisde 'Cold Keaneplay Patrol', 'Bowling for Avril McBusted 182 Day', and 'The Kaiser Ferdinand Party' for transgeneric intertextual cacophony (thanx johnathan-thesaraus).

An Abridged History of Man

This is the story of man through the ages:
The first men did not grow crops; they fucked animals. All the animals became insane. The men would hunt them and crucify them. They dug pits to watch the animals. When the animals were warm, the men began. They stroked them with their spears. Then they would cut them up with a stone axe. At first they used primitive contraception. Later, men learned to coitus interruptus. The first men used their fingers to explore each other's anuses. They had no knives or forks or plates or pots. The first men learned performance art. Sometimes they used a spear. Sometimes they danced in the water. They would do this in the place where the river was not too deep. The picture shows how this was done. The first men did not have the libido we have. They had no vibrators or vaseline. They had no prostitutes or pimps. They had only water to drink. After many years, men learned how to tame women. They learned coitus reservus. The women gave meat to eat and milk to drink. The women ate grass. They moved about from place to place. When the winter came, some women would be fucked to death. There would be not enough women to go around. After some time, men learned how to regulate the sex industry. They lived in one place with their women. They learned how to enlarge their penis. They learned how to perform self-phallatio. They learned how to have anal sex without causing injury. They learned that herpes was not a gift from the gods. When the Romans came to Britain they built fine brothels. Each house had women from all over the Empire. Slaves were abused beside charcoal fires. Instruments and toys were served on plates or in bowls. The Romans lay on couches when eating pussy. They did not sit at a table as we do now. The Norman's were fond of masturbation. Eunuch's aroused the Norman lords. The Norman's also enjoyed young Irish children. Poor people enjoyed flagellation on saint's days. But they did not always ejaculate. Some people were impotent. Honey was used to sweeten things because there was no sugar. Years ago people had no video-cameras. Sex was performed by the fire or in front of a priest. Women were shackled to a spit, which was turned round and round and round. Sperm was salted to make it keep. Herbs were used to make the sperm tasty. Rich people ate it with knives and spoons. Poor people used their fingers. Straws did not come until much later. After many years new methods came from abroad. The picture shows some of these. Transexuals came from the east. Syphilis came from America. Flavoured condoms, edible panties, and latex also came from abroad. Some of these things were not used a lot at first. Often they were too dear for poor people to buy. People would spend more time making their own equipment. They made their own handcuffs. They made their own abortions. They bottled their own periods. Nowadays we buy a lot of girls ready to fuck. We buy them in schools and markets. Some of them we buy are frozen. Girls that have been frozen keep fresh for a long time.